So Iâ€™m about to relay the contents of a dream I had the other night. How wondrously self-indulgent. Not that intermittently churning out this crap isnâ€™t self-indulgent anyway. But you know what I mean.
So, whatâ€™s the worst that could happen by disgorging myself of this information? People read the first line, declare “Iâ€™m not reading such self-indulgent crap!” and take their eyeballs elsewhere. So, how good of me to warn them, quite frankly. I suppose someone could try to interpret and analyse it, and in so doing gain insight into something disturbing lurking in my psyche. Like estimating that there’s a 70% chance Iâ€™m David Icke.
Still here? Good. To business!
The first bit of this dream that I remember: I was running myself a bath. I suspect that at least one person’s Freud-o-Meter is now making twitching movements with its [inevitably phallic] needle, but I shall progress.
Floating happily in this bath was a small creature, a crustacean of some kind. Only a little one. With a pointed spirally shell, and little crustaceany legs. You know the sort. About the shape and size of a vole in a snail costume.
So, I fished it out and popped it into the bathroom sink. And then got into the bath. And then the next thing I remember is the appearance of altogether larger crustaceany legs emerging over the rim of the sink. The creature had transformed itself into something rather more crab-like, about the size of a wide sandwich. I seem to recall picking it up out of the sink. I would guess after having instantly got out of the bath, and dried and dressed myself, but who the hell knows.
But then! I was in the back garden of a terraced house. And there were lots of (non-crustacean) creatures milling about the place. Mostly rodenty sort of things. Cute, harmless-looking rodenty sort of things. And a pigeon, with a face like that of a tiny owl.
These creatures suddenly started scurrying towards little burrows at the edge of the garden, and other similar creatures started scurrying in the opposite direction, emerging from adjoining burrows. The whole thing only took a few seconds, and it was seemingly co-ordinated with military precision. I believed then in the dream, as I do now, that these creatures were working the garden on a shift pattern.
“This is all very well, but what of the crab creature?” I imagine the less patient of you asking. Well. The crab creature is now in a large, circular shell, about the height of a standard door. I know this, because it emerged out of my bathroom door, more or less filling it. (I have reappeared in the house now. I do get about a bit.) And it is now bipedal. Andâ€¦ also appears to have turned into a man in a costume. A large crab costume which is padded out with sand, that the man inside is now abandoning, leaving behind an empty crab-suit, and a large pile of sand. And who’s going to clear that up do you suppose!? Not me, because I’m waking up, sharpish!
And that is all I remember. Make of it what you willl. I am fairly confidant that I am not, in fact, David Icke. Although with visions of crab-men, I may now have taken a small step along a similar pathâ€¦