I am almost certainly a better person when Iâ€™m a bit tipsy. And I donâ€™t mean that Iâ€™m more likely to be pleasant to people, give money to good causes, or put the toilet seat down. Just that I seem to be slightly better at functioning as a human being. I am more likely to assume that I wonâ€™t remember anything, so set myself electronic reminders of anything of significance I need to remember.
So far I have avoided the problem a friend of mine was telling me about where he said he could remember everything that had happened one evening, except whether a girl he asked out said yes or no. As it turns out she said no, inevitably. This brings to mind an incident I remember from my first year at uni; after getting slapped the second time Iâ€™d asked a girl her name I realized that the first time sheâ€™d actually said â€œEmmaâ€. Whereas initially I thought she had said â€œum, erâ€ and then changed the subject. As well as my memory, my hearing is not very good either. And I obviously tend to assume people are a bit peculiar/as easily distracted as I am.
But I digress. The other day I received several reminders I had set in my phone the night before. These included â€œWrite about man having the worldâ€™s maddest pissâ€ and â€œPut light blue trousers in the washâ€. After a brief panic in which my head was filled with various terrifying scenarios that may have played out and inspired such messages the night before, I believe the two were unrelated.
The trouser incident was from a fairly minor beer spillage. Although it was a bit glass-breaky. Oops. The man having the â€œworldâ€™s maddest pissâ€ was not me, nor inspired by my actions. But he was at the urinal next to me, urinating in a way I can only describe as bonkers, as I nervously monitored his activities in my peripheral vision and edged away as much as I could without having my own insane urinary mishap. If heâ€™d been me, heâ€™d have received an electronic reminder the next day which said â€œMake sure you wash your jeans, and you may want to consider binning your shoes. Try not to remember why.â€ Possibly also â€œtake out advert in local paper apologising to nervous-looking man in light blue trousersâ€.