Category Archives: Autobigraphical

I’m 34, I’m allowed to be senile

Step 1: Remember you have more coffee waiting.
Step 2: Get up from computer, pick up cup, walk to kitchen.
Step 3: In kitchen, put cup by sink ready to be washed.
Step 4: Turning to leave kitchen, see cafetiere.
Step 5: Remember you wanted more coffee, pick up cafetiere, walk back to computer to refill cup.
Step 6: Wonder where cup is.
Step 7: etc.

Also, one of the lenses fell out of my increasingly battered spectacles yesterday, so I need to purchase a monocle to wear along with said damaged glasses, because keeping one eye closed while trying to concentrate on anything is quite tricky.

Although increasing text size on screen and leaning waaaay back seems to do the trick, though is quite inconvenient.

OR I could accelerate plans to purchase a new zoom lens for my camera and look through that at an appropriate focal length. Although it probably won’t help. I haven’t really thought this through – it’s early and I may or may not have had enough coffee. And anyway, if I buy this lens, people will probably make assumptions.

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This is why I never write anything.

Something amusing comes up in a conversation somewhere, possibly an alcohol-affected conversation. I realise there’s possibly a gem of an idea that I can write about, and I make a note of it in my iMobileTelePhone.

Then a few days later, I’m going through notes in my phone and come to this: “Emailing nhs direct, fangs venom Tongue “.


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Hurty haiku

Bloody thermal cup.
When I spill tea on my hand,
It’s so much hotter.



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Confused of Oxford writes…

I have just bewildered myself in a similar way to the following:

  1. Stand on Walton Street at the crossroads with Cranham Street, outside the Jericho Cafe.
  2. Turn to face down Walton Street towards the Phoenix Picturehouse, and stare at it for a moment. While you’re doing this, think to yourself “films, cinema, films, cinema”.
  3. Then quickly look to your right, at the side of the Jericho Health Centre, in particular at the sign saying “chlamydia screening”.
  4. Be afraid and confused.

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Tipsy reminders are the way forward.

I am almost certainly a better person when I’m a bit tipsy. And I don’t mean that I’m more likely to be pleasant to people, give money to good causes, or put the toilet seat down. Just that I seem to be slightly better at functioning as a human being. I am more likely to assume that I won’t remember anything, so set myself electronic reminders of anything of significance I need to remember.

So far I have avoided the problem a friend of mine was telling me about where he said he could remember everything that had happened one evening, except whether a girl he asked out said yes or no. As it turns out she said no, inevitably. This brings to mind an incident I remember from my first year at uni; after getting slapped the second time I’d asked a girl her name I realized that the first time she’d actually said “Emma”. Whereas initially I thought she had said “um, er” and then changed the subject. As well as my memory, my hearing is not very good either. And I obviously tend to assume people are a bit peculiar/as easily distracted as I am.

But I digress. The other day I received several reminders I had set in my phone the night before. These included “Write about man having the world’s maddest piss” and “Put light blue trousers in the wash”. After a brief panic in which my head was filled with various terrifying scenarios that may have played out and inspired such messages the night before, I believe the two were unrelated.

The trouser incident was from a fairly minor beer spillage. Although it was a bit glass-breaky. Oops. The man having the “world’s maddest piss” was not me, nor inspired by my actions. But he was at the urinal next to me, urinating in a way I can only describe as bonkers, as I nervously monitored his activities in my peripheral vision and edged away as much as I could without having my own insane urinary mishap. If he’d been me, he’d have received an electronic reminder the next day which said “Make sure you wash your jeans, and you may want to consider binning your shoes. Try not to remember why.” Possibly also “take out advert in local paper apologising to nervous-looking man in light blue trousers”.

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I really like cake!!!

It’s true – I like cake!!

Bearing this in mind, I’m very surprised that I have only mentioned cake once before on FTB.

Now twice, obviously.

Coincidentally, that was around the time of my BIRTHDAY last year; don’t forget it’s only my ruddy birthday again this Thursday (cake, I like cake, cake, cake, cake).

It’s a particularly exciting birthday, because my age will go from being a prime number, to a power of two. Can you imagine!? The next time that happens, I’ll be 128. And after that, 8192. Which, I suspect, is a bit too elderly to be practical, but I’ll give it a go.

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Beer then wine, feeling fine.
Wine then beer, feeling queer.
Beer then wine then beer then wine, oh dear oh dear oh dear.

I wrote these words while enjoying something of a hangover, combined with sleep deprivation and caffeine, on Sunday morning. I think it nicely captures the mood. I continued:
Looking on the bright side, there was splendid food and company, hoorah for all involved. Well done.

And I probably won’t hear the words “when are you going to drink that Old Speckled Hen?” again. Unfortunately, it now feels like it’s trying to peck out my liver. I hope this doesn’t become a regular occurrence.

Hangover. Recovery = medication + Yello. Alka Seltzer XS, plus “You Gotta Say Yes To Another Excess”, which I purchased on my mobile telephone while still in bed. And have only just appreciated the connection in the names. I wish I had been clever enough to do so deliberately. Very long time since I heard that album, and have finally replaced elderly cassette copy that is lost somewhere at the parents’ house. Very good decision, produced a silly grin on hearing first notes of I Love You. Slight (hopefully silent) fit of hysterics listening to Great Mission. This is definitely my new favourite hangover recovery album, replacing The Prodigy Experience (played loud, in a kill or cure way). So I listened to that, and drank caffeinated medication, and had vitamins, and extract of milk thistle. Prometheus swears by it.

Me and giraffe. Who is more photogenic?!

Then I spent several minutes photographing myself pretending to be asleep next to a giraffe hand puppet. The photos turned out, inevitably, to be horrible, in a “stills of a dozing extra from Planet of the Apes” way. Awesome t-shirt is from
Now I’m having a little rest after running around in as big a circle as our house can accommodate and not in be any more OBVIOUSLY HAHAHAA and and and and I think I need a nap. But I’ve enjoyed more caffeine than I can really handle these days, and have had to post a warning note on the fridge so that no-one else is frightened!!!!

Now I’ve been filled with toast and eggs and beans I’m a little bit calmer, and starting to feel sleepy.


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Snow = silly, DVDs + pasta + nap = GOOD

So the weekend trip has been piostponed for a few weeks due to the very silly weather conditions, as semi-predicted yesterday. And I’m also typing this without looking at what I;m writing or they keys, so it should be useful. I may even go back and edit it. Or not. I am detecting the odd typo and correcting as I go. But not all of them, I suspect. I HOPE IT IS COGERENT!!!

So. I am not going anywhere this weekend now. I really hate weather that is in any way rmarkable or worthy opf mention. I crave bland wather.

As a treat last night I made an enormo-vat of pasta and watched a series of Yes Ministe on DVDr, and enjoyed a carbs/Ronnie Hazlehurst nap. The theme to Yes Minister really is gloriously soporific. Maybe because it’s the sort of thing that was on at bedtime when I was small(? And then to rouse myself from my torpor, I watched Jackie Chan’s First Strike, which was ait  ( (I have just been interrupted to check whether “drub” is a word, so this may go wrong here. I was definitely talking about Jackie Chan’s First Strike. I had not watched it for some time, and it was very exciting – possible over-exciting – on our new giant television. And again, but I can’t really say in polite company what the topic of the interruption was. If I just say “****ed by you know who” most people reading this will know.

At this point I am giving up on the not looking thing – and I did make one correction, so that a sentence makes sense!! And obviously I’m going to go back and put some links in.

Attempt three: did I mention I watched JC’s First Strike last night? I’d completely forgotten that was the film with the exciting stilts-based action. I need some stilts, then I can smite my enemies who are on first-floor balconies when I am stilting along on the pavement outside with some deft, stilty head-kicking. But maybe once the snow and slush has gone – I nearly fell over about five times on my way home from work last night and it’s only a four minute walk. Did I say I’m not enjoying the weather?

Addendum: 2:07pm – I have now managed to fall over in the snow. Luckily, neither I nor any of the shopping were harmed.

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Snow is an idiot

Snow is an idiot. And I don’t mean the popular Informer performer. I don’t have enough time to describe those levels of idiocy. I mean of course the frozen precipitation that is currently so popular around these parts, and filling every news outlet, and becoming increasingly tedious. And if it means I can’t get away at the weekend, I shall be most peeved. It’s now irritated me even more by making me feel compelled to prefix the proper content of this post, below. [GB]rrrrrr! (As cold angry people who know regular expressions say).


In the shower yesterday morning my inner monologue was treating me to a slightly haphazard medley of its own devising, consisting of various hits by The Jacksons. Unfortunately, my mind only knows two hits by The Jacksons, and not many of the words. Only really the two tracks on the rather awesome Motown 50 compilation celebrating 50 years of the label. (Want 60 top Motown hits? Buy Motown 50 MP3s/CDs from!!!) Ahem. Er. Yes. These tracks being ABC and I Want You Back. Mysteriousy at work in the afternoon my iPhone mobile telephone twice unpaused itself and started playing ABC – when all the tracks are arranged alphabetically, ABC is the first track in it, innit.

Still, at least I didn’t wake up to find a hairbrush in my shoe.

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Misc – a compendium of unpublished bits

Please enjoy this collection of unrelated scraps of writing that never really made it into anything. Titles/dates where appropriate (and known). Unedited apart from the occasional typo fix.

The slug dream – 3 January 2008

I had another dream, with certain similarities to the last one.

Again early on in what I remember where creatures in my sink in the bathroom. In this case, a pair of slugs. I rescued them from the sink in a small cardboard box, taking great care not to just squish them twixt box and sink.

Strangely, the morning after the dream, I evicted two spiders from my bedroom, again via use of a cardboard box (a somewhat larger box, as a spider can cover the distance up the inner side of a cardboard box rather more quickly than a lowly slug. The spiders are hopefully enjoying their new home outside. I did feel rather bad having slung them out on Christmas Eve, but these things happen.)

Nice digression. Um? The dream. Right. Actually, now I come to think of it, the slugs were climbing up the sides of the box surprisingly rapidly. I think there may have even been some jumping involved. But I kept them under control, and they were cast from the house.

Milk difficulties – 17 January 2008

I have just had great difficulty in opening a plastic bottle of milk. It would have been significantly less hassle to go out and buy a “grow your own cow” kit.

First of all, I proved too puny to be able to quickly and easily unscrew the top, which I finally managed

Or better still, there should be a service which supplies cow-shaped Piñatas full of individual serving-sized pots of milk, cream, etc, to suit a variety of coffee-whitening tastes.

(untitled) 20 January 2008

forensics – last night – what happen?

evidence! This morning Xbox was switched on, – I turned it off when I woke up without switching on TV to see what it was doing. Watched via Xbox double-bill of Family Guy that had been recorded yesterday, and the first chunk of one of the episodes seemed eerily familiar.
conclusion! I must have watched first 15 mins of an episode of family guy before I fell asleep

there was a cold and undrunk cup of tea on the shelf next to my bed. possibly getting a bit over-excited with their use of the phrase “Save over £5!!!” To justify the use of three exclamation marks for this saving of £5.39, I’d expect the products original price to be less than £75.38. Possibly somewhere around the £2.50 mark.

Best typo I have made in the last hour – instead of “pub.” I managed to type “pibl”.

Luxury lunch extravaganza – baked beans, with ketchup, eaten from plastic microwave saucepan with a spoon. And a hot cross bun. Separately. Although I did consider combining the two, because it would have been mildly amusing. I am more easily amused than most.

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