Category Archives: my writings

This is why I never write anything.

Something amusing comes up in a conversation somewhere, possibly an alcohol-affected conversation. I realise there’s possibly a gem of an idea that I can write about, and I make a note of it in my iMobileTelePhone.

Then a few days later, I’m going through notes in my phone and come to this: “Emailing nhs direct, fangs venom Tongue “.


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Misc – a compendium of unpublished bits

Please enjoy this collection of unrelated scraps of writing that never really made it into anything. Titles/dates where appropriate (and known). Unedited apart from the occasional typo fix.

The slug dream – 3 January 2008

I had another dream, with certain similarities to the last one.

Again early on in what I remember where creatures in my sink in the bathroom. In this case, a pair of slugs. I rescued them from the sink in a small cardboard box, taking great care not to just squish them twixt box and sink.

Strangely, the morning after the dream, I evicted two spiders from my bedroom, again via use of a cardboard box (a somewhat larger box, as a spider can cover the distance up the inner side of a cardboard box rather more quickly than a lowly slug. The spiders are hopefully enjoying their new home outside. I did feel rather bad having slung them out on Christmas Eve, but these things happen.)

Nice digression. Um? The dream. Right. Actually, now I come to think of it, the slugs were climbing up the sides of the box surprisingly rapidly. I think there may have even been some jumping involved. But I kept them under control, and they were cast from the house.

Milk difficulties – 17 January 2008

I have just had great difficulty in opening a plastic bottle of milk. It would have been significantly less hassle to go out and buy a “grow your own cow” kit.

First of all, I proved too puny to be able to quickly and easily unscrew the top, which I finally managed

Or better still, there should be a service which supplies cow-shaped Piñatas full of individual serving-sized pots of milk, cream, etc, to suit a variety of coffee-whitening tastes.

(untitled) 20 January 2008

forensics – last night – what happen?

evidence! This morning Xbox was switched on, – I turned it off when I woke up without switching on TV to see what it was doing. Watched via Xbox double-bill of Family Guy that had been recorded yesterday, and the first chunk of one of the episodes seemed eerily familiar.
conclusion! I must have watched first 15 mins of an episode of family guy before I fell asleep

there was a cold and undrunk cup of tea on the shelf next to my bed. possibly getting a bit over-excited with their use of the phrase “Save over £5!!!” To justify the use of three exclamation marks for this saving of £5.39, I’d expect the products original price to be less than £75.38. Possibly somewhere around the £2.50 mark.

Best typo I have made in the last hour – instead of “pub.” I managed to type “pibl”.

Luxury lunch extravaganza – baked beans, with ketchup, eaten from plastic microwave saucepan with a spoon. And a hot cross bun. Separately. Although I did consider combining the two, because it would have been mildly amusing. I am more easily amused than most.

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Can’t write for sh*t

In an attempt to think up something of funniness to write in this ‘ere blog, I started making notes of anything vaguely amusing that crossed my mind on a pad of paper I carry around with me. Very sensible, one might think.

Alas, my handwriting is notoriously terrible. This can be made worse if trying to write on an uneven surface, while being jostled around. This is why it was such a fantastic idea for me to make notes while on a bus, leaning on my knee.

Having just reviewed these notes (a good side and a half of A4, I was certainly on a roll), I have discovered it is about 25% unfunny, and 75% illegible.

In an attempt to salvage something, I shall discard the unfunny, and share what I can make out of the rest. It goes something like:

Nose-pishing postman – in USSR
Not subtle, post-event finger impetus

2 conservatives, alimentary

sphere, laughter from somewhere else – always someone having a better theatre yawn

felt DN aching

being quite wrong, irrelevant, not funny? doesn’t matter [actually, I think that might be exactly what I intended to write]

missing pretzels [and some other stuff I can’t even begin to make out]

And there you have it. No doubt some nuggets of comedic wonder lost forever in that little lot.

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Prototype web browser

I had an interesting idea the other day for a new type of web browser. Although requiring a certain amount of physical dexterity, control is not via a mouse, keyboard, or anything dreary like that.

You lie face down on a carefully designed (and padded) table. An initial random set of links is chosen by the system; to follow one of the links, you throw balls at a series of cups; each cup is set up to represent one of the links.

When the link is selected, the machinery tattoos it onto your backside, and you read it using a complex system of mirrors. To optimize readability, one of these mirrors needs to be custom-made to perfectly account for the curvature of your buttocks, naturally.

Clearly some of the details need thinking through, but I think I’m on to a winner here. Maybe a non-permanant inking system, and some sort of automated wiping device would increase the frequency with which you can read anything beyond the first page, and avoid the expense and hassle of frequent laser tattoo removal…

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Film trailer: Bad Day

The Scene: Kitchen. A woman, 30s ish, wearing dressing gown, is
blearily trying to make breakfast.

She spills the coffee grounds, looks in 3 cupboards to find cafetiere
(before she realises it’s right in front of her), etc. General chaos.

Gravelly voiceover man: Ever have one of those days that starts out bad…

Woman is pouring coffee while giving her attention to buttering toast
with her other hand. Looks and notices coffee overflowing. In frantic
spasm of action to stop pouring, knife catapults toast across the room
and into the sink… closeup of it slowly sinking into the water in the
washing up bowl. The reflection of woman’s face in the surface of the
water, looking dismayed, comes into view as the water settles

Gravelly voiceover man: …and just get worse?

Shot of woman from behind – her waist is at the bottom of the frame,
the top of a row of wall-mounted cupboards is the top.
She opens one. A naked man falls out, giving a strangled yell, and
disappears out the bottom of the frame, landing on the floor with a

Gravelly voiceover man: Brian Smith was having one of those days.

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