Category Archives: shorts

Why ubiquitous capture tools are important

Yes, at 3:34 on Monday morning I wrote ‘Around-the-camera jazz dragon’. And I am never too sleepy to forget to hyphenate an attributive. But I digress.

See?  Captured in Omnifocus

No, I have absolutely no idea why either. I do very vaguely remember I was about to fall asleep again and it was Very Important To Remember This. And so here it is!

Courtesy of good old OmniFocus.

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Now, what was I on about…?

Here are some terse notes that I have found, supposedly to jog my memory of something amusing I was going to write about, and long since completely forgotten the significance.

On the 2nd of April 2010, I wanted to “write up weird showers etc thing for FTB”.

What showers? (“Pint of Banks’s mild please!” I hear you all chorus in your hilarious Black Country accents. Stop it.) I have a vague recollection of thinking about showers (as in running yourself under a big tap) of things other than water. But I can’t really remember. I bet it was brilliant though.

Then a few days later, from 5th April 2010:
“Unorthodox friends a la Heather McCartney. -> bath of custard, distraction”
I suspect I may have meant Heather Mills not Heather McCartney, but who the hell knows. I could conceivably have meant Linda McCartney. Definitely a woman, and definitely someone associated with Paul McCartney.

Any ideas? Anyone?

Anyone I mentioned these things to at the time?

Anyone want to write something?

Help me!!

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Habitat – they’re just obsessed with Seinfeld!

It’s true! Was enjoying a perusal round Habitat in Oxford today and saw two Seinfeld-related product names.

They’re obsessed!

Or at least one of us is.

Newman!I'm Cosmo!

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Hurty haiku

Bloody thermal cup.
When I spill tea on my hand,
It’s so much hotter.



Filed under Autobigraphical, haiku, shorts

The ultimate computer peripheral?

Does anyone know of a device I can attach to my computer that does the following? I want to be able to dispel dialog boxes by slamming my fist on the desk (possibly requiring a pressure-sensitive pad, with USB connectivity), and shouting ‘enough of your lies!’, so microphone also required. This will have the effect of closing a dialog box that has focus, selecting the best option from ‘No’ or ‘Cancel’ automatically from context.

If there isn’t anything that works when you shout ‘enough of your lies!’, does anyone know of something that maybe responds to ‘Get thee gone, Beelzebub! You and your hellish minions!’. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be much appreciated. Oh, and existing solutions should be compatible with Mac and Windows.

And if not, I can feel a patent application coming on. Let’s say it’s non-obvious for the moment.

Alternatively, it will just sit in the list of brilliant yet un-acted upon ideas, and I will file it next to the napkin I found in my back pocket today on which is scrawled, in black biro in a rectangle of triumphant emphasis, ‘plankton restaurant’.

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Confused of Oxford writes…

I have just bewildered myself in a similar way to the following:

  1. Stand on Walton Street at the crossroads with Cranham Street, outside the Jericho Cafe.
  2. Turn to face down Walton Street towards the Phoenix Picturehouse, and stare at it for a moment. While you’re doing this, think to yourself “films, cinema, films, cinema”.
  3. Then quickly look to your right, at the side of the Jericho Health Centre, in particular at the sign saying “chlamydia screening”.
  4. Be afraid and confused.

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Overly terse notes.

Overly terse notes can be a problem.

I have just discovered the following note to myself with the heading “story idea”.

“Despairing at texts

Attaches own hand to table with metal skewer as only way to cope.

Ambulance, 999 speeddial confusion.”

Does anyone have any idea what that might be about!? If it helps, it was dated 3rd April this year.

Thankfully I don’t seem to have any related scars…

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The world doesn’t work properly.

I wish the world worked correctly, in a way in which my mind would be more comfortable. Then I would have been able to use one of the numerous dusty dead woodlice I found as a substitute for the lost grub screw. Stupid lack of wordplay-based surrealism in the so-called ‘real’ world.

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Filed under Anger, Autobigraphical, shorts

Deliberately misleading offer, or spectacular maths failure?

Retail Price is: $100.00 yours for only $35 (Savings of 75%)

My guess is both.

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Madame Gusto’s Circus!

The BFI have come to my rescue! Theirs is the first website I have found with evidence that I didn’t merely imagine a cartoon series called “Madame Gusto’s Circus“. They don’t actually seem to have any information about it, other than the title, but it’s there!
The only things I remember about it are (other than obvious – it was about a circus, and one Madame Gusto, naturally):

  • There were some rabbits that said “bunnybunnybunny” a great deal. Possibly only in one episode.
  • Rabbits going “bunnybunnybunny” was possibly the only piece of intelligible dialogue.

I am now… I’d like to say I’m now a happy bunny, but that would be patently ridiculous given the above bullet points. Let’s just say I am a pleased young man. Perhaps disproportionately pleased? Nah.


Filed under shorts, TV