Category Archives: shorts

I Am Powerful

For rousing in oneself a feeling of raw power and primeval energy, I have discovered there’s nothing quite like biting the head off an animal and devouring the whole thing in one sitting. Even if it is a chocolate reindeer.

As news of this feat spreads, I imagine I will be all the more feared and respected.


Filed under Autobigraphical, shorts

Just… random… stuff.

Just a few random things that have amused me in the last few weeks.

  1. This morning on the bus, someone stood next to me sneezed. It sounded like an angry squelch.
  2. On a lunchtime walk, I was disappointed to have not seen a single amusing thing, or even thought of anything particularly funny. I was almost back at work, understandably a distraught young man, when the supermarket checkout guy waved goodbye to me.
  3. I am made slightly uneasy by people whose front teeth are further apart then their eyes.
  4. A fantastic facial piercing for goths would be to have a hook under their bottom lip, used to hang a raven in a cage.

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Having made an embarrassingly shocking grammatical error in an online chat recently, naturally I briefly contemplated seppuku, and explained this to the chat-ee, who proceeded to ask what it was.

So first I turned to Wikipedia, which then provided me with the following links; they’re certainly the most amusingly informative articles on auto-disembowelment I’ve read recently.

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Alarming rap dream

Last night I had a dream in which I observed a young man performing a rap. An attempt at a funny rap. Now in my experience, the non-expert attempting a rap of any kind, let alone an allegedly amusing one, would normally be met by peals of laughter from all right-thinking people, and not in the way they were hoping for.

Like when a politician thinks this is a way they can connect with “da kidz” and the end result is just humiliating for everyone involved.

So what, exactly, is my subconscious playing at? I fear this bodes ill…

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Wikipedia, source of all my knowledge

On a random browse through Wikipedia the other day, I discovered a list of foodstuffs named after people (as one does), and on it was Eggs Benedict, named after one of several people called “Benedict”.

I then read on to learn that is the source of Dirk Benedict‘s stage name.

So he’s a person named after a dish, that was itself named after a person.

Honestly, you couldn’t make this stuff up. 

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Poorly chosen domain names

List of 10 domain names that have been chosen by companies that haven’t quite thought them through is listed in this post: Delightfully Dumb Domains

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I could teach kids to do stuff good.

I intend to travel to the Cook Islands, where I shall set up Pukapuka University, Department of Distance Learning.

Why else would I suddenly want do such a thing? Well, maybe I was partly inspired by watching Zoolander last night for the first time in ages…

But mainly because I could then legitimately get the domain name


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I love self-service checkouts…

Self-service checkouts at supermarkets are great.

  1. They don’t judge you when you pay for items costing a grand total of £1.59 with a credit card.
  2. You can continue the constant muttering to yourself.
  3. They’re much more effective at hiding their “I could do so much better than this, you know” expression than people.
  4. If you’re just buying a small bottle of water and an umbrella, they don’t notice the fact that you’re trying not to laugh because it might appear the first thing you’re going to do with the umbrella when you leave the shop is test it.

Not quite up to the standards of self-service ticket machines in Japan where you get a nice animation of someone bowing to you, though.

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Filed under Autobigraphical, shorts

Equal opportunities

I just randomly clicked onto US mobile phone company Verizon’s website, and saw the following text:

We are an equal opportunity employer, m/f/d/v.

Now, I admit I’m not an expert on these matters, but the only match I could think up for m/f/d/v was Male/Female/Don’t know/Varies.

Now that is accomodating.

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Too hot. Can’t think.

  • This weather is ridiculous hot.
  • I’m not enjoying clothes at all.
  • The loincloth will be the summer fashion item of choice for the thrusting young professional.


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