I really like cake!!!

It’s true – I like cake!!

Bearing this in mind, I’m very surprised that I have only mentioned cake once before on FTB.

Now twice, obviously.

Coincidentally, that was around the time of my BIRTHDAY last year; don’t forget it’s only my ruddy birthday again this Thursday (cake, I like cake, cake, cake, cake).

It’s a particularly exciting birthday, because my age will go from being a prime number, to a power of two. Can you imagine!? The next time that happens, I’ll be 128. And after that, 8192. Which, I suspect, is a bit too elderly to be practical, but I’ll give it a go.

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Beer then wine, feeling fine.
Wine then beer, feeling queer.
Beer then wine then beer then wine, oh dear oh dear oh dear.

I wrote these words while enjoying something of a hangover, combined with sleep deprivation and caffeine, on Sunday morning. I think it nicely captures the mood. I continued:
Looking on the bright side, there was splendid food and company, hoorah for all involved. Well done.

And I probably won’t hear the words “when are you going to drink that Old Speckled Hen?” again. Unfortunately, it now feels like it’s trying to peck out my liver. I hope this doesn’t become a regular occurrence.

Hangover. Recovery = medication + Yello. Alka Seltzer XS, plus “You Gotta Say Yes To Another Excess”, which I purchased on my mobile telephone while still in bed. And have only just appreciated the connection in the names. I wish I had been clever enough to do so deliberately. Very long time since I heard that album, and have finally replaced elderly cassette copy that is lost somewhere at the parents’ house. Very good decision, produced a silly grin on hearing first notes of I Love You. Slight (hopefully silent) fit of hysterics listening to Great Mission. This is definitely my new favourite hangover recovery album, replacing The Prodigy Experience (played loud, in a kill or cure way). So I listened to that, and drank caffeinated medication, and had vitamins, and extract of milk thistle. Prometheus swears by it.

Me and giraffe. Who is more photogenic?!

Then I spent several minutes photographing myself pretending to be asleep next to a giraffe hand puppet. The photos turned out, inevitably, to be horrible, in a “stills of a dozing extra from Planet of the Apes” way. Awesome t-shirt is from threadless.com
Now I’m having a little rest after running around in as big a circle as our house can accommodate and not in be any more OBVIOUSLY HAHAHAA and and and and I think I need a nap. But I’ve enjoyed more caffeine than I can really handle these days, and have had to post a warning note on the fridge so that no-one else is frightened!!!!

Now I’ve been filled with toast and eggs and beans I’m a little bit calmer, and starting to feel sleepy.


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Snow = silly, DVDs + pasta + nap = GOOD

So the weekend trip has been piostponed for a few weeks due to the very silly weather conditions, as semi-predicted yesterday. And I’m also typing this without looking at what I;m writing or they keys, so it should be useful. I may even go back and edit it. Or not. I am detecting the odd typo and correcting as I go. But not all of them, I suspect. I HOPE IT IS COGERENT!!!

So. I am not going anywhere this weekend now. I really hate weather that is in any way rmarkable or worthy opf mention. I crave bland wather.

As a treat last night I made an enormo-vat of pasta and watched a series of Yes Ministe on DVDr, and enjoyed a carbs/Ronnie Hazlehurst nap. The theme to Yes Minister really is gloriously soporific. Maybe because it’s the sort of thing that was on at bedtime when I was small(? And then to rouse myself from my torpor, I watched Jackie Chan’s First Strike, which was ait  ( (I have just been interrupted to check whether “drub” is a word, so this may go wrong here. I was definitely talking about Jackie Chan’s First Strike. I had not watched it for some time, and it was very exciting – possible over-exciting – on our new giant television. And again, but I can’t really say in polite company what the topic of the interruption was. If I just say “****ed by you know who” most people reading this will know.

At this point I am giving up on the not looking thing – and I did make one correction, so that a sentence makes sense!! And obviously I’m going to go back and put some links in.

Attempt three: did I mention I watched JC’s First Strike last night? I’d completely forgotten that was the film with the exciting stilts-based action. I need some stilts, then I can smite my enemies who are on first-floor balconies when I am stilting along on the pavement outside with some deft, stilty head-kicking. But maybe once the snow and slush has gone – I nearly fell over about five times on my way home from work last night and it’s only a four minute walk. Did I say I’m not enjoying the weather?

Addendum: 2:07pm – I have now managed to fall over in the snow. Luckily, neither I nor any of the shopping were harmed.

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Snow is an idiot

Snow is an idiot. And I don’t mean the popular Informer performer. I don’t have enough time to describe those levels of idiocy. I mean of course the frozen precipitation that is currently so popular around these parts, and filling every news outlet, and becoming increasingly tedious. And if it means I can’t get away at the weekend, I shall be most peeved. It’s now irritated me even more by making me feel compelled to prefix the proper content of this post, below. [GB]rrrrrr! (As cold angry people who know regular expressions say).


In the shower yesterday morning my inner monologue was treating me to a slightly haphazard medley of its own devising, consisting of various hits by The Jacksons. Unfortunately, my mind only knows two hits by The Jacksons, and not many of the words. Only really the two tracks on the rather awesome Motown 50 compilation celebrating 50 years of the label. (Want 60 top Motown hits? Buy Motown 50 MP3s/CDs from amazon.co.uk!!!) Ahem. Er. Yes. These tracks being ABC and I Want You Back. Mysteriousy at work in the afternoon my iPhone mobile telephone twice unpaused itself and started playing ABC – when all the tracks are arranged alphabetically, ABC is the first track in it, innit.

Still, at least I didn’t wake up to find a hairbrush in my shoe.

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FTB – a grotesquely self-indulgent retrospective of the least bad bits

I really haven’t been doing very well at posting regularly, have I?

To remind myself what a genius I am, I have read (or at least semi-read) every post so far, and come up with a list of my favorites. I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM!

  • Dreams…  – recollection of a dream I had featuring assorted strange creatures.
  • White Van Man – the joys of pretending to be a White Van Man for an afternoon.
  • Can’t write for sh*t – In which I try to make sense of my own handwriting.
  • Film trailer – “Bad Day” – description of trailer of a non-existent film. I am genuinely surprised I haven’t been approached with an offer to produce this.

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Big Lebowski action figures – I deserve them!

Alerted via the magic of flamingkitties (thanks Lou!) about a year ago, I have now finished writing this post, and I still desire and indeed deserve Big Lebowski action figures.

You will buy them for me!

Dude and Walter Big Lebowski action figures

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Free Creature Comforts video from iTunes – TODAY only!

With the UK iTunes Music Store’s current “12 days of Christmas” promotion, the free download for January 2nd is the “Merry Christmas” episode of Aardman Animation’s Creature Comforts.

Needs a UK iTunes Music Store account, etc. Just click on the “download now” button from the webpage and it will open up iTunes with the free episode highlighted. Click “Get Episode” and enter your password, etc, as appropriate.


And Happy New Year, etc.

This morning… I was tricked by a croissant. Great start to the day.

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Misc – a compendium of unpublished bits

Please enjoy this collection of unrelated scraps of writing that never really made it into anything. Titles/dates where appropriate (and known). Unedited apart from the occasional typo fix.

The slug dream – 3 January 2008

I had another dream, with certain similarities to the last one.

Again early on in what I remember where creatures in my sink in the bathroom. In this case, a pair of slugs. I rescued them from the sink in a small cardboard box, taking great care not to just squish them twixt box and sink.

Strangely, the morning after the dream, I evicted two spiders from my bedroom, again via use of a cardboard box (a somewhat larger box, as a spider can cover the distance up the inner side of a cardboard box rather more quickly than a lowly slug. The spiders are hopefully enjoying their new home outside. I did feel rather bad having slung them out on Christmas Eve, but these things happen.)

Nice digression. Um? The dream. Right. Actually, now I come to think of it, the slugs were climbing up the sides of the box surprisingly rapidly. I think there may have even been some jumping involved. But I kept them under control, and they were cast from the house.

Milk difficulties – 17 January 2008

I have just had great difficulty in opening a plastic bottle of milk. It would have been significantly less hassle to go out and buy a “grow your own cow” kit.

First of all, I proved too puny to be able to quickly and easily unscrew the top, which I finally managed

Or better still, there should be a service which supplies cow-shaped Piñatas full of individual serving-sized pots of milk, cream, etc, to suit a variety of coffee-whitening tastes.

(untitled) 20 January 2008

forensics – last night – what happen?

evidence! This morning Xbox was switched on, – I turned it off when I woke up without switching on TV to see what it was doing. Watched via Xbox double-bill of Family Guy that had been recorded yesterday, and the first chunk of one of the episodes seemed eerily familiar.
conclusion! I must have watched first 15 mins of an episode of family guy before I fell asleep

there was a cold and undrunk cup of tea on the shelf next to my bed.

dabs.com possibly getting a bit over-excited with their use of the phrase “Save over £5!!!” To justify the use of three exclamation marks for this saving of £5.39, I’d expect the products original price to be less than £75.38. Possibly somewhere around the £2.50 mark.

Best typo I have made in the last hour – instead of “pub.” I managed to type “pibl”.

Luxury lunch extravaganza – baked beans, with ketchup, eaten from plastic microwave saucepan with a spoon. And a hot cross bun. Separately. Although I did consider combining the two, because it would have been mildly amusing. I am more easily amused than most.

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Overly terse notes.

Overly terse notes can be a problem.

I have just discovered the following note to myself with the heading “story idea”.

“Despairing at texts

Attaches own hand to table with metal skewer as only way to cope.

Ambulance, 999 speeddial confusion.”

Does anyone have any idea what that might be about!? If it helps, it was dated 3rd April this year.

Thankfully I don’t seem to have any related scars…

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The world doesn’t work properly.

I wish the world worked correctly, in a way in which my mind would be more comfortable. Then I would have been able to use one of the numerous dusty dead woodlice I found as a substitute for the lost grub screw. Stupid lack of wordplay-based surrealism in the so-called ‘real’ world.

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Filed under Anger, Autobigraphical, shorts